Hawkeye is delighted not to be removing shrapnel or metal from Pvt. Paul Conway (Ed Begley, Jr.) who fell into a foxhole on top of one of his buddies. He is a klutz, always causing accidents on the line. Radar is in Tokyo on RandR and Klinger is scrambling to do Radar's job. The CO is cranky because Klinger cannot locate Mildred anywhere in Missouri. But Klinger did find a chef...who knew Cafe Pierre is French for foxhole? Soon, it is SRO at 4077 Mess and the gang is loving every meal of it at Chez Klinger. The gang plots to keep Pvt. Conway out of harm's way and within their epicurean reach but Potter orders Pvt. Conway be discharged. Hawkeye visits the CO to check on him; unfortunately, the rest of the gang is trying to reach anyone at the Adjutant General's office who can reassign Conway as an Army cook. Col. Potter interrupts the little pow-wow, blames Hawkeye and ends up blasting his old friend, the AG himself, Gen. Bud Haggerty (John Randolph) before slamming down the phone. ... Written by LA-Lawyer

A congressional aide named Theodore Williamson, who works for a congressman named Lurie, arrives at the 4077 on what he claims is a fact finding mission. While there, he asks several rather personal questions about the staff. Hawkeye and BJ then become very concerned that Williamson is gathering info as a way to cut funding to the unit. However, he later reveals that the reason for his visit is to investigate one particular member; Major Margaret Houlihan, who, while in college was friendly several individuals whom the government feels are subversive. Now Margaret must face a very difficult choice, testify against her old classmates or not testify and be labeled a communist sympathizer, not only endangering her career but bringing shame to her father. Also, Klinger is bitten by the photography bug and tries to get candid shots of the staff so he can win a contest. Written by Brian Washington Sargebri@att.net

Klinger, you may be a boob, but you are no mongoose. Such is the gratitude Max can expect to receive for good deeds from the Stiff Upper Nose. Max scours, wheels, deals and commits minor felonies to find Napoleon brandy and he even delivers it to The Swamp. Scully appears in triage; Margaret and the Swamp Rats are happy to see him, but Margaret is the flustered kind of happy. South Korean Lt. Park and his frightening MPs bring a North Korean prisoner to 4077. Lt. Park claims she is a dangerous guerrilla; she becomes one of Hawkeye's patients. Chuckles keeps Park minimally occupied by offering chess; the inscrutable Lt. Park places Chuckles in check with the same merciless cunning The Swamp Rats worry he will use on the female prisoner. Hawkeye and BJ are outraged G-2 will not save this young woman... until they witness blind hatred that rocks them to their liberal cores. Written by LA-Lawyer

Klinger is manic, but since he is neither fluorescent nor luminous, no one cares. The problem is the generator at 4077 exploded, the camp is at standstill and the auxiliary generator is missing. Until Radar returns, everyone looks to Max to restore balance in the 4077 universe. During the explosion, Margaret accidentally pinches Hawkeye's finger with a clamp; he never stops whining. BJ has a patient with a distended abdomen who needs a gastric suction and cannot make the bumpy drive to the 8063. Dr. Potter suggests they go back to basics and take a page from Dr. Owen Wangensteen. At the air transport hut, Radar meets a pretty nurse flying home to the States. Lt. Patty Haven is from Lancaster, MO, 100 miles from Radar's Ottumwa. After only an hour Radar considers Patty his girl and he promises, some day, to come looking for her. Radar reaches the 4077 and scoffs at Klinger's dilemma: he claims a generator is an easy parlay. But, when it is Radar's world that suddenly explodes, no one ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Radar is torn by both his personal news and the news he is going home. Everyone marvels over the Colonel's Wangensteen gizmo. As Klinger struggles, Radar sees how much the 4077 needs him; he changes his mind about leaving. The sheer number of lives depending on him overwhelms him. Radar and Hawkeye snipe at each other and have a huge row. Colonel Potter knows Radar has done his part and he wants Radar to go home. Margaret's feelings about her doll surprise her. Chuckles calls him Walter as he says goodbye. BJ arranges for Peg and Erin to pick up Radar at the airport in San Francisco and says goodbye. There are echoes of Margaret's wedding when an OR session crashes a tearful, emotional going-away party... but for vastly different reasons. There are tears from his CO, who genuinely wishes him Godspeed. There are good wishes from Klinger, Margaret and Father Mulcahy, but the gang says a hurried farewell as they rush to OR. Radar and Hawkeye salute each other in lieu of dialogue. ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Klinger is performing his new duties with all the efficiency of a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest, or so says Colonel Potter. Margaret calls Klinger Company Cluck. Chuckles calls him an oaf. Poor Klinger! Peg writes BJ how much Erin liked Radar and BJ is suddenly jolted with an irrational envy. BJ hates the sound of Radar's name and Klinger was tired of it 2 weeks ago. Hawkeye gets punched and 3 Marines nearly get vaccinated with darts. BJ and Klinger are on a drunken spree. Father Mulcahy gives Colonel Potter wise counsel; the CO remembers his own first days when he took the 4077 command from Lt. Col. Henry Blake. BJ laments about what he has missed and can never get back: Erin's lifetime. Stills, eyes and friendships are mended. Klinger follows his CO's sage advice: Klinger starts to make the job of Company clerk his own! Written by LA-Lawyer

It is dry and smelly and the food is all being served creamed...even the wienies. The North Koreans are blockading water trucks. Chuckles is suspiciously clean. Father Mulcahy is helping a new nurse transfer, Lt. Gail Harris. Gail is studying for her medical aptitude test to apply for entry to medical school. Eager is mistaken for officious, and Gail alienates several people at 4077; Margaret has spoken to her about it as her superior officer. As a man of the cloth, Francis John Patrick Mulcahy understands what it is like to be different. When Gail embraces Johnny, it becomes a laughing matter for boorish Hawkeye. As the camp steer, Father confides in Hawkeye about the girl trouble. He is deeply upset Gail will quit her studies. Hawkeye agrees to talk to Gail... who goes off the rails: to Colonel Potter. The CO tells a stunned trio: You stop talking about her, you stop hating her and you stop dating her! Margaret proves she is becoming a better and more empathetic Head Nurse. ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Oksun Li is a teenaged girl who works in the 4077 doing laundry. Klinger sees her wearing flashy clothes, flirting with a GI in Rosie's; Klinger gets upset and offers to give her money, if she needs it. Mrs. Li, her mother, misinterprets his gesture and tries to turn Klinger into a hairy shish kebab with an assortment of pointy farm tools. Hawkeye has a severely wounded patient, Cpl. Eddie Hastings, with a ruptured spleen and other organs causing massive internal bleeding. Hastings obsesses about his money belt: he makes Hawkeye swear to send it to his parents if he does not make it. Klinger counts $8,873 in U.S. greenbacks. Since the Army uses scrip, the doctors are mystified: How did this young, baby-faced kid acquire so much money? Two Corporals from his Division, Dolan and Vitello, paint no pretty pictures regarding how or where Hastings got the money or their lack of sadness at his passing. Hastings used to be a decent guy but he started hanging around the wrong people. ... Written by LA-Lawyer

The 4077 is a mess. Major Disaster (Chuckles) returns from a drunken RandR hung over and looking like a disheveled Swamp Rat. (Gary Burghoff is still getting also starring credit.) The guys find black hosiery and film (undeveloped) in Chuckles' bag. They are intrigued when he has no memory of how they got there. Father helps Corp. Shaw in Post Op by steering him away from the juicier parts of the good book. (Solomon had a lot to sing about!) Shaw has Korean Hemorrhagic Fever (KHF) and cannot have water... but he looks better than Chuckles. The staff meeting convenes to discuss KHF. The fever has 3 phases; KHF is not contagious but 10-20% will die. This appalls Col. Potter. The Surgeon General has no useful information. HQ issued a directive to change Phase 3 treatment: I.V. 3% salt (saline) solution is strictly forbidden. Deviation in treatment is a Court Martial offense. As the doctors worry, Klinger develops Chuckles' photos and Chuckles starts thinking about lawyer shopping. Shaw ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Mike Farrell wrote this quirky post-Thanksgiving Day tale about salmonella and the turkey trots. Sam and Ella? Who are they? Rizzo asks. All that crazy Cajun wants for Christmas is to feel well enough to kill Klinger, procurer of putrid poultry. Hawkeye and BJ have a jeep accident and get lost on the way back from getting antibiotics from Kansong Battalion Aid Station. Margaret and Chuckles are en route from the 8063. Only Colonel Potter, Nurse Able, Klinger and Father Mulcahy are on their feet. Nurse Able does not reappear. When Klinger gets sick, Post Op actually manages a weak cheer. Margaret and Chuckles arrive soon after Col. Potter succumbs. Father is the only one who did not indulge in turkey, so Sam and Ella will not be visiting him. A pig-tailed Major may look like Dorothy but she firmly orders her CO to bed. Next, she threatens Chuckles with bodily harm if he does not help her and Father with all of the cleaning and nursing. BJ and Hawkeye's new friend, who they nickname... Written by LA-Lawyer

Walter Dishell, M.D. (the medical advisor for M*A*S*H) co-wrote this episode with Alan Alda. An impromptu poker game at the chopper pad is interrupted by George, a patient who arrives from Battalion Aid with a purported open chest wound. Hawkeye diagnoses him with respiratory distress, too much gushing blood and a lacerated aorta. George may not even make it to OR unless drastic measures are taken. The pilot hands over his pocket knife; Hawkeye makes George's wound big enough to stick in his hand. Hawkeye wants to compress George's aorta against his spinal column to stop the bleeding. The biggest problem is if blood to the spinal cord is cut off for more than 20 minutes, George stands a good chance of paralysis or renal failure. Time is called: 1432 hours; a white clock appears at the bottom right of the TV screen. Hawkeye yells out for vascular clamps, his canvas tub, arterial grafts, ice and AB- blood. The clock ticks and ticks. There is no AB- blood. Margaret cannot find the clamps... Written by LA-Lawyer

All the 4077 love to write home; this time, Klinger writes to Uncle Abdul. In OR, Potter mentions the difference between the World Wars and the Korean police action. There are no snappy slogans and no Over There. Hawkeye gets a letter from his father with a joke which he claims is the world's funniest clean joke. BJ says he is not impressed. Father Mulcahy writes a Korean War song--the ditty needs work. Hawkeye gets really ticked off when BJ has the entire camp laughing over his father's joke. BJ claims he tells it better. A mentally slow GI, Eddie, is looking for Cpl. Hank Fleming, his friend and mentor. The doctors are amazed that the U.S. Army would allow a private like Eddie in a combat zone; but, according to Dave, a member of his unit, Eddie is a very good soldier as long as he is not left alone. It was Eddie who bandaged Hank and then carried him to safety, saving Hank's life. Buddies like that are hard to find. Poor Margaret: her foot locker has a busted lock. She wants ... Written by LA-Lawyer

There is nothing like a good one-two prayer from The Book of Threats. With a lull in the war, Colonel Potter calls in favors to insure Lt. Father Mulcahy's promotion. But somebody lost the good Father's Efficiency Report and his entire file. Chuckles is an inept mediator between Greeks and Turks at Rosie's Bar. Rosie ends up with broken ribs and will be laid up for a week. Margaret suggests the officers keep Rosie's running. Her rules are simple: water down the liquor, collect 30% of the waitresses' tips and be good to Muldoon. When Col. Potter finds out about the lost file, he and Klinger rattle cages from I Corp to The Pentagon. Rosie is neither grateful as a patient nor as a business owner. Chuckles is as bad with Muldoon as with the Greeks and Turks. Will Rosie's ever be open again? How many Generals does it take to get a promotion for an outstanding Padre? Written by LA-Lawyer

There is still a lull in the conflict... until Col. Potter announces good news. Corporal Howser, former 4077 patient, is recovering nicely at Walter Reed after the intricate plumbing reroute done by BJ and Chuckles. The U.S. medical community is abuzz and The American College of Surgeons wants the two surgeons to write a paper for publication on the mobilization and exteriorization of the descending colon performed on Howser. Hawkeye is happy to see Jack Scully (Joshua Bryant) roll into his favorite party town but Scully is there to see Margaret. As egos and tempers flare in The Swamp, Margaret learns Scully has been busted to Private. But, Scully is a bit of a chauvinist and expects her to be his demure subordinate. The Major has grown: she is comfortable with her rank. She wants a man who is 10% her father, 10% Hawkeye, 3% Frank Burns and 1% her ex-husband, Donald. She never finishes her math: but she and Hawkeye agree they are each looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Some people inspire love; some people inspire gas. When a little bundle of Amerasian baby girl is left on The Swamp doorstep, the 4077 crew scrambles in delight to provide makeshift diapers, milk and affection. They are all very excited until Captain Mulcahy arrives. He knows the atrocities visited upon mixed race children by law in Korea. Even in an orphanage, the child would be treated like an outcast slave. Her only hope is sanctuary in a secret cloistered Catholic monastery. Hawkeye and BJ are outraged and try to charm Miss Harper at the Red Cross. She refers the guys to Major Spector, top aide to the Army Adjutant General. Maj. Spector refers the guys to Korean Civil Law (which are the words no layman wants to hear.) Koreans are an ancient civilization of one race. They have laws and traditions for an ordered society. They like the logic and structure this fosters. The next day, Col. Potter and Hawkeye reach out to a South Korean official. There, they learn truths that startle ... Written by LA-Lawyer

It is either one quarter or 20 past catatonic as the officers file into the 4077 O Club. Hawkeye's bar tab is so high, it inspires a whole week of cold turkey sobriety. As annoying as he is drunk, it is nothing to Hawkeye on the wagon. Honoria, younger sister of Chuckles, plans to marry an Italian. When he cannot take away her shoes and rice, Chuckles takes to drink. As Hawkeye's DTs worsen and infect the entire camp, Margaret finally tells him to shut up. Lt. Mendenhall (Shelley Long) made a date with a terrific guy named Hawkeye but soon finds she is really on a date with Wayne Wheeler. A catastrophe in OR sparks completely unprecedented events at the 4077--Dr. Sanctimony drives a nice Irish lad to cursing. Is theall or nothing approach a sign of lack of control, indicative of deeper issues? Would Carry Nation, herself, have meeded a few belts after the 4077's last session in OR? Written by LA-Lawyer

The 4077 is awash in mumps. One early morning, Colonel Potter feels lumpy and sweaty; Father Mulcahy feels responsible for exposing 4077 staff to Sister Theresa's Orphanage mumps epidemic. Margaret supports her CO on his way to his tent --and quarantine. Charles accuses him of being intoxicated; words are exchanged. Hawkeye and BJ razz Charles about his blue blood and genes. Klinger is as manic in the quest for cleanliness as he was for Section 8. Margaret is determined to get her CO well. I Corp sends Captain Stephen J. Newsome to pinch hit. Being from Chicago, Charles assumes he attended Al Capone U but Steve has Charles gulping with his next words: Johns Hopkins. Everyone likes Steve--he is an old campaigner who saw action at bloody Pusan Perimeter. There were 16,000 casualties in 18 months and Steve operated on bumpy roads in moving vehicles. An OR session goes sideways, reminding the officers about the dangers of the jobs they do so well. Written by LA-Lawyer

Klinger summons Colonel Potter to a 3:00 a.m. mystery phone call and the Colonel rushes to Tokyo General. The CO leaves Hawkeye in charge. Betty Halpern, widow and Red Cross matron, brings a troupe of refugee children through the 4077; they need care and inoculation. Under the benevolent command of Hawkeye, the children run amok and the 4077 staff run with them. Potter returns, in a taciturn mood, barking and looking for a package which is supposed to be delivered to him. All of his friends and officers are worried about their CO; and when they all receive envelopes, they are manic. But, Sherman Tecumsah Potter is veteran of both World Wars and Korea. Here's to 1917 and five buddies: Ryan, Gianelli, Stein, Gresky and the young man mugging for the camera. Written by LA-Lawyer

The officers, enlisted and crew bellyache once too often about the conditions at the 4077. Potter condemns Hawkeye and BJ to act as 'Morale Officers' after a childish treatment of Tales of Manhattan (a 1942 classic and one of Mildred's favorite films). Charles performs grueling surgery, certain that the patient, Private David Sheridan (James Stephens) will be forever grateful to him for saving his leg. Instead, David Sheridan, who also sustained permanent nerve damage to three fingers of his right hand, is closer to suicidal than thankful. A gifted concert pianist with training from Julliard, Sheridan believes his hand is his life so his life is now futile. Heckle and Jeckle promise the gang a big gala dinner party; Klinger must deliver. Should they have signed his three day pass before he brought the food back to camp? Knowing and recognizing his own limitations with people, can his deep love of music give Charles the right words to reach David Sheridan and help him to save his ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Everyone at the 4077 is so cranky, cold and bored, BJ decides the only way to uplift spirits is to borrow Hawkeye's birthday. Hawkeye is not amused. Captain Anthony Borelli (Robert Alda) visits the 4077 to lecture about peripheral nerve grafting to replace entire segments of skin. Borelli has always really annoyed Hawkeye. When the surgeon is injured at the Battalion Aid Station, Hawkeye rushes to volunteer for duty, just to avoid Borelli. But Borelli insists on accompanying him--so Hawkeye borrows BJ's wedding anniversary to substitute for his birthday. After riding to the BAS, the medic, Cpl. Jarvis (Antony Alda) is practically forced to throw water on the battling surgeons and he tells them to knock it off. By surgery's end, Dr. Left and Dr. Right are just a little too happy and annoying enough for one to pause and realize where the good looks in the Alda family went (Antony). Written by LA-Lawyer

A highly decorated WWII veteran, Sgt. Michael Yee (Clyde Kusatsu) comes under Hawkeye's scalpel one night in the 4077 OR. Margaret read an article about Yee, an American of Oriental heritage, in Stars and Stripes. Klinger redecorates the anteroom of Colonel Potter's office (also Klinger's bunk) in early Ali Baba decor. The guys send him right up the flagpole, laughing so hard, Klinger decides to forge documents and run away from the war. Sgt. Yee attempts suicide by slicing his wrists; and no one can believe it. But Dr. Sydney Freedman (Allan Arbus) is called to consult and he has a pretty good idea what is causing Yee's angst. Sidney also has a great system to keep Yee alive in the future. If only keeping Klinger out of the Stockade was half as easy... Written by LA-Lawyer

During a hectic non-stop rush of wounded that is overcrowding the camp, the staff's brief naps have disturbing dreams in which the war is an never-ending intrusion.

B.J. feels torn when he and visiting war correspondent Aggie O'Shea fall for each other.

Pierce is upset by the fact that civilian doctors are making a lot of money off the war, and decides to bill the army for all his work. Meanwhile, Winchester is reluctantly showing 3 Korean doctors American medical techniques, putting them down all the while, until he is on the receiving end of their expertise. Written by Kathy Hofmann

Spit and polish Colonel Tucker visits the camp at the worst time during April Fool's Day. Klinger, egged on by Sergeant Rizzo, uses reverse psychology to try to get out of the Army.